Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
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