Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
I just gargled with NyQuil
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
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