can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Randomize
