I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
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