My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
As gay men are we obligated to learn the Single Ladies dance.
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Randomize
