My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
Thank you for not boning my boss.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
