Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
other girls like to lick balls but none of them live for it like u do
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
