..well, okay, so long as I don't have to wear an apron or vaccum in high heels.
nope just do me i'm drunk and easy to plz
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
is it gross that my labia hangs so much that guys can't find my clit?
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Randomize
