Who were the five players on the alien team from space jam?
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
Randomize
