As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
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