If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
