i need an iv and a liver transplant
I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
Randomize
