Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
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