if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
