Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
Randomize
