walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Randomize
