i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
