I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
That adds atleast one bjs worth of awkward sexual tension between us.
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
Randomize
