people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
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