Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
