I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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