The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
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