If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Randomize
