I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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