Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
