dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
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