i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
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