so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
Randomize
