That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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