yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Randomize
