Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
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