Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won?
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
Just high enough for therapy.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
Randomize
