I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Randomize
