im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
After last night, I could never be a politician.
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
Randomize
