I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
i just googled coccaine effects on sexual performance..maybe im dating the wrong guy
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
Randomize
