I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
Randomize
