Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
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