You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
hey, when you wake up, search yourself on youtube
my sister already found it, were watching it right now. i give it 2 thumbs up.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
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