she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Randomize
