im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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