What did I say to him last night?
Something along the lines of "your not here, I'm going to fuck sam. call me later babe, this won't take long, love you"
all in all not a bad night
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
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