Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
so how does one go about finding a summer fling?
take advantage of an intern
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Randomize
