I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
I'm thinking of having one or both of my boobs out. They're small but they're mighty.
what day is it and did you see me today?
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
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