i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
