I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
so id say it was a successful trip...i only got hit on by one cousin...
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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