I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
