note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
Is this like a preordered booty call?
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Randomize
