My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
