come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Randomize
