it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
You've reached your one pic per night limit. To increase your limit, start conversations before 9 and submit your request for an additional pic before 10.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Sadly my Summer of Cocks is coming to an end
Randomize
