watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
He ate me out for my sailor moon manga and I gave him a blowjob for his Devilman manga. Pretty sweet deal imo
Randomize
